So my ex is blackmailing me…

I am going to dish out a very obvious life pro tip to anyone reading this: DO NOT finance a car with a man you have known for 6 months. I do not care how much in love you think you are.

So I have spoke in a previous post about my crazy texting my ex. Like walls of texts of I miss you’s and it could have been better’s and blah blah. Well I guess his girlfriend does not like that, because now he is threatening to have the car in both of our names repoed unless I sign a power of attorney that let’s him sell it when he pleases without my presence. I am not ok with that. So here is my car situation and maybe someone can shed light with advice:

I have a Ford Focus that I owe probably 4-5 thousand more than it is worth. The joint car in question is a Dodge Journey that is worth about 8 thousand less than what we owe. I have good credit and could potentially take the car over from him and maybe sell my car, but I am trying to figure out what is the best option.

At the end of the day I am royally screwed, but I am also pissed that he thinks he can just stop the payments and have the car taken without my say in the matter. All I know is I will not be letting that car go without a fight. I worked hard on my credit and I am not going to let a stupid ex screw it up. I have chosen to not respond to his threat, and the car payment for this month is already made, so I have some time to work my financial brilliance. Maybe he will back off if I can prove I will not bother him any more with my crazy texting.

At the end of the day, this is just yet another hill to climb in the fun adventure that is my life. I just hope that any stress from him being an asshole does not make me spiral up or down into a manic/depressive episode.

If any of you out there have any nuggets of wisdom on what a potential solution could be, please let me know.

Until next time.


Self Esteem Panic Attack: The More You Know…

So I like to Google shit. And by I like to Google shit I mean like… every 30 minutes I am probably Googling something. So the fact that I did not discover this little fact about my illness sooner is kind of insane (pun intended).

Last week was my brothers 4 year anniversary of committing suicide. I went out of town with my mom and we spent the weekend relaxing and remembering my brother. Before we went out of town however, I could not sleep and watched the movie La La Land super early Friday morning. I am not sure who all has seen it, but there is a reflective part at the end where the main actress wonders what could have been (not really a spoiler, just something that happens.) This brought out emotions in me that have not come out in a while. I started sobbing uncontrollably and texted my ex something ridiculous at 6 in the morning. That should have just been a one off text because he does not ever text me back, but that was only the beginning…

Over the course of the weekend I could not shake this super low self esteem and doubt. I kept thinking that I was not worth anything and I would not find someone. I thought I missed my chance. By the time I got back in town, I started texting my ex like, hourly. No joke, I probably texted him 20+ times over the next few days without a response. All this stuff about how I missed him and missed us and wished things could be different. He finally responded with his normal nice self and told me I will find someone. Then I was fine. I feel like an idiot when this stuff happens, but I did not know why I did it. I can be confident and fine for weeks/months, but then something happens and I spiral down out of nowhere. So I finally decided to Google it.

I don’t know what I even searched, but I came across an article talking about having low self esteem and having panic attacks because of it. Not your usual panic attacks, but more an attack on your mental state. These can last for a few hours or for days. It is usually triggered by something someone says or does that makes your low self esteem shine its ugly head. For me, it is usually a movie or TV show or just my own damn thoughts that trigger it. It usually comes out of nowhere and I can not shake it for days. But now I know what it is. It might not be the most scientific thing in the world, and I would be interested if anyone else deals with this kind of thing.

What I do know is that I am worth being loved and I will find someone eventually. I know I am smart, funny, attractive, and deserving of being my best self and sharing that with someone. These ridiculous attacks just set me back. My kid today asked why things did not work with his dad or my ex, and I basically told him that things  just happen and he will understand when he is older. Maybe now that I know I can be triggered into this self loathing, I can maybe catch it and get over it sooner than I have before. It is worth a shot at least.

Until next time.


Breaking Bad Habits

The other day I watched a Ted talk about breaking bad habits and it really made me think about things. The person who spoke said that when you are doing whatever bad habit, stop and think about how it is actually making you feel. If you pay attention to how the activity makes you feel, you can disenchant yourself from the activity because you realize it does not bring you happiness. The examples he gave were smoking and eating too much. So I decided to continue breaking the habits I have. Here are the ones I am working on right now:

  1. Drinking water/Eating better- Anyone who knows me knows that I am addicted to Dr. Pepper. I have not had a Dr. Pepper or any soda of any kind since last Sunday. That might not seem like a lot to some, but to me it is a big deal. Instead, I have been drinking at least 4 bottles of water a day. I switched from a mentality that I dislike water to a mentality that I need it. I can already tell a difference it has made. I also cut out fast food (minus a small binge last night playing bingo). It is amazing how much more energy you can have if you stop putting so many bad things in your body. I am still learning how to eat and drink the right amount to keep my energy up, but I know what I am doing is making a positive change.
  2. Working out- At my new job I am within 15 minutes walking distance of a few different places, Potbelly and Jamba Juice being my favorites. I have been walking as often as possible, and even starting working out at home. Weight was never an issue for me before a few years ago, so I know I have to do better or I will just continue to gain weight.
  3. Texting when I shouldn’t- I have a horrible habit of texting too much and texting people that I shouldn’t. I am learning that I do not have to text or talk to every important person in my life all day every day. The biggest I have though is that when I am upset or feeling down, I tend to text my ex… a lot. I feel like crap almost immediately when I do it, and it diminishes any positive progress I am making. He has moved on and I basically make myself look like a fool when I try and communicate and push something that does not exist. Tomorrow will be a week with no texts, and I am pretty proud of myself.

I know there are many other things that I can do to help my mental health, but I think what I am doing is a good start. Sadly, I had a moment this past Friday where I worried that my new motivation might be a turn towards mania. I posted about this before, but sometimes when I feel happy, it scares me. Like there is no possible way for me to be truly happy without going to far and entering into a manic state. That fear ceased when I realized that I am just content for the first time in I don’t even know how long. I went from marriage to a bad situation to a bunch of stupid dates to being with my ex for a year to finally now being happy and single.

Sometimes I wonder if a clearer mind could have helped my situation with my relationships failing, but all I can do now is work on me and take what I have learned into the next phase in my life. I want to be my best self for everyone in my life.

Until next time.


Depression & Anxiety: A Poem

When you feel like getting up is the hardest thing to do,
But not getting up will not get you through.
When you feel like doing nothing at all,
But doing nothing will lead to your fall.
You sit and think of all of these expectations,
But your anxiety causes too many exaggerations.
Internally you have disappointed yourself,
But externally everyone just sees your normal self.
Your mind does not want to shut down,
And sometimes all you want to do is frown.
A change in mindset is needed,
So that all that you want to  do can be completed.
All it takes is an altered way of thinking,
To stop the idea that you are sinking.
Maybe a laugh or smile is all that it will take,
And maybe one day it will be easier, for my brains sake.


Laughter is the second best medicine.

Well for me, maybe it is the 5th best medicine…

I have noticed that I laugh a lot more than other people… like… way more. Not in the Danny Glover advertisement of whatever that “laughing too hard” syndrome is, but scarily close. Something as basic as seeing a funny picture on the internet or reading a post on Reddit can easily make me crack up. Or a random thought pops in my head and I just bust out laughing. I cannot tell you how many times I laugh at something and then someone asks me why I am laughing so hard. Usually whatever it is is actually not that funny to anyone else, but that is life. I came across someone this week a few times and I noticed they did not even smile, let alone laugh. That kind of saddened me because I do not know what I would do without laughter and comic relief in my life.

I wish laughter was indeed the best medicine, because then I would not have to take all of the shit I take on a daily basis. I have said it multiple times, but if there was some kind of apocalypse, I would be one of the first to go. Not only because I would not have my meds and I would go crazy, but also I am weak as crap, so my physical body would be on par with my mental breakdown. I guess lets just hope my next boyfriend is some kind of badass doomsday prepper to protect me. Although I am not attracted to that kind of guy, so I am pretty much screwed either way. Yay me!

Even though it sucks major ass to take my meds every day sometimes, it is a necessary evil. Don’t get me wrong, the highs of my illness can be pretty fun. Not having the ability to come back down though is the problem, so I will take my happy place in the middle. I know there are some people out there that think that having a normal period where you are not super depressed but are not super elevated is a good time to stop taking your meds. My advice to anyone that does that is to just…well.. not do that. Obviously, it is important to keep in touch with doctors to make sure you are taking the right stuff, but try not to be your own doctor. I have done it a few times and it usually bites me in the ass later. Proper meds = Happy(er) life.

Until next time.


Positive people make me more positive. Who knew?

So I just got done with a workout. I feel sore as crap, but I know that will pay off in the future. I have been wanting to work out for a very long time but every excuse was holding me back. Now that I have time to myself and I am focusing on myself, I realize how influential positive outlooks are and how necessary it is to have a positive support system.

I have never had that many friends, but the ones I do have I would do anything for. With the crazy things that happen during my daily life, I do not think I could maintain any more friendships than I already have. These friends are always there for me. Through all my ups and downs and through every stupid decision I make, they are there. I do not think I am the best friend to others and I do not deserve what I have, but I am very grateful.

Something I have noticed is how my mood affects others. Only being my second week at my new job, I have realized that my positive outlook on my job responsibilities has already altered by bosses attitude. The beginning of last week she made many references to killing herself on a daily basis. She was joking, but I made sure to mention what happened to my younger brother, and since then the mood has been better. I think sometimes we get so focused on our own situation that we are not considering other people or how they are feeling. I am very guilty of doing this.

I know I have a lot of work to do to make myself a better person, so I am going to try and do better everyday.

Wish me luck.

Until next time.

Poor Little Brain

Today I was having a really good morning. It is my second week at my job, and I am getting along well with my boss. Deciding to focus on me seems to be causing a positive shift in my moods. All was well in the universe until I got a text from my ex. This is a tale on why you should not move too fast with someone.

As I said before, I split with him and then spent months trying to get him back. I do not think I mentioned that we bought a car together. After only 6 months, we moved in together and decided that our family of 6 needed a bigger car. My credit and his income combined to make a decent situation to get a car. So we did. Now we are split and he has the car. His poor credit makes it to where refinancing is basically impossible. So today after weeks of him not responding to me, he texts me saying he thinks he should get power of attorney so he can have rights for the car. After thinking about it, I realized I would be screwed if anything happened and he stopped making payments. So I said no. That should have been it.

But no.

Poor Little Brain came out.

P.L.B. for short is what my best friend and I coined for when my mind does its own thing and I cannot control it. I text when I shouldn’t text. I think what I shouldn’t be thinking about. I focus on the bad, and I cannot get out of my own head. I ruminate for hours on end thinking about the same thoughts over. And over. And over.

I have tried to stop myself from basically self sabotaging by doing things that make my negative thinking worse, but at the same time, I make the same mistakes again and again. I have tried discussing it in therapy and I take anxiety medication, but it does not seem to help. When I get my mind onto something, I do it. Even if I shouldn’t and even if others advise me not to.

So what started off as a very positive day plummeted into a P.L.B. day because I cannot just respond to a simple text and move on with my day. I concentrate on everything that could possibly be negative in connection with the simple text and it destroys any positives I have going on.

Maybe if I feel like crap about making these dumb decisions long enough, I will learn to be stronger and control myself. I can tell that the instances are getting further apart overall, but they are still there. I am just going to continue trying to focus on the positive and hopefully time will heal my negative thoughts.

Until next time.