Hallucinations

So I just woke up from a horrendous nightmare and I remember every detail, so I wanted to write it down because with my bipolar diagnosis, it is one of my biggest fears.

I was in a school that I had never been in before, and there was some kind of party going on with pizza and endless sodas and desserts. When I went to get a drink from the pull out soda container like the ones at grocery stores, every time I opened the door after seeing what I wanted (usually a soda), all the drinks would change when I opened the door. This kept happening over and over until I realized I was hallucinating. I finally asked a woman to help me find a water because I had no idea what any of the other drinks were.
I knew I was in trouble becuase I have hallucinated before and I knew that in my dream. I sat down and tried to process what to do next because I knew I was going manic. That is when I started seeing little bounce ball looking lights coming out of the electric socket next to me.
I was screwed. A few other minor hallucinations happened, that led me to get my phone to try and call my boyfriend. I don’t have a lock on my phone in real life, but in my dream I had a lock. And then a puzzle, and another puzzle. In real life I have had the hallucinations on my phone while I was on it, so I knew this wouldn’t stop and my phone was useless.
I somehow found my boyfriends daughter who is 11 and asked if I could use her phone. It was a childish looking thing where you could only call limited people. I got a hold of my boyfriend and told him what was going on, but we somehow got disconnected. I tried finding his daughter to give back the phone,  but she was gone.
I went outside hoping my boyfriend would find me. As I walked across the school grounds, I saw some people and tried to talk to them, but they all spoke a different language. So then I was thinking I was in a different country. 
I finally made my way back to where I was at the beginning and somehow found my boyfriends daughter with the help of my real life 9th grade teacher.
My boyfriend finally showed up, but he did not look like himself. I only knew it was him because his daughter told me it was him. She gave me some advice about how to always tell it was him no matter how bad it got.
It ended semi calmly because I finally had my boyfriend there, but I woke up in a panic.

I don’t know exactly what it all means, but I know that I have the potential to
hallucinate with my diagnosis and I had bad ones like the ones in the dream when I first went manic. I hope someone who reads this understands how traumatic it was, but either way, I needed to write it down.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully I will have more upbeat posts in the new year.

Work, stress, and weight gain.

Todays moods: Anxious, thankful, discouraged.

So today is a mixed feelings day. I had my last day of the longer group therapy days. Monday I start therapy three times a week and go back to work. It seemed to be a very prominent issue that people were having in my group. I get so caught up in things that pop up, that I lose sight with what I am actually doing. I have learned some coping skills that hopefully I can use when I go back. I need to focus on “grounding” when I feel too anxious.

I worry that I am not going to fit in when I go back. My coworkers probably think some not too fun things about me. I need to just focus on getting better and not worry about every one else.

My last thing is I HAVE GAINED 30 POUNDS IN 6 MONTHS. I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I know my job is very sedendtary, but still, it seems a little ridulous to me.

If anyone has any tips on controlling their stress and weight gain, please enlighten me, I need help bad in both areas.

Short post, but I want to keep up with posting every day that I can.

Much Love,

Kim B.

I don’t know what “normal” is apparently..

So today in group therapy, I was highly optimistic and talked about my new tattoo and other events from last night. After I was finished, my therapist asked what my baseline is. She basically thought that I might be a little too happy and wondered if I might being going straight from a suicidal spell to a manic one. I was not offended, but I could not really answer her. I know my symptoms of mania, I know my symptoms of depression, but for the last 5 years, I feel like I have not been in the middle of the two, AKA “normal.”

I feel like it may be too soon to be back to normal, but a lot of my stress has to do with work. I realize that I need to have a game plan for when I return so that the anxiety does not take over again. I know I can do better.

I mentioned this in a post before, but being happy scares me more than being depressed. I feel like I have more control over a situation and getting help with depression than I do with mania. I have not been hospitalized for mania in three and a half years, and I would like to keep it that way, but it does not stop me from worrying that when I am happy that might be too happy.

So I have a question to ask. How do you track your moods? As my followers can tell, I am not the best at posting normally, which also means that it is difficult for me to keep a mood journal as well. So what helps you keep track of your moods other than writing them down?

Much love,

Kim B.

Now I need your help.

So now that I am settling back into my life, I realize I need help. I know that all of you that follow me are complete strangers, but I felt like reaching out to you anyways. I already have 3k in medical bills from the first hospitalization this April, and bills for this new stay will come soon. I also have personal bills and medical upkeep that requires money almost every week.

I set up a GoFundMe account for this. I have never done anything like this before, and I feel pretty strange asking for money, but finances are a high stress issue for me. I am so happy just to get my story out, and I love the support I have already received. I know everyone who follows me probably struggles themselves, and I know not everyone has much wriggle room in their budget.

If you would like to help me, the URL is Gofundme.com/cv9v8t9a or Gofundme.com/Kimsmedicalbills.

Thank you everyone for reading my stories and thanks in advance if you contribute.

Much Love,

Kimberly B.

So I got help again. Sue Me.

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This past week I got admitted into the psych unit again. I was hopeless, overwhelmed, and just could not deal with life. I have since gotten out and I am part of a group therapy 5 days a week. I have got nothing but support since I have gotten out. That is, until last night. I posted a loving message on my Facbook dedicated to my two best friends who helped clean my apartment before I got home.  I got out pours of love and blessings from many who saw the post. This morning however, I got yet another message from my ex husband, who somehow got word of the post. I mentioned my depression and how I sought care, and that is how he found out. How he saw it I do not know because him and his fiancé are blocked on my site. He started telling me yet again that I cannot keep my son safe and asked how I can take care of him if I cannot take care of myself. After a few brief texts, I told him to get a lawyer if he feels  so inclined. The final two texts went as follows:

Him: “What makes you think I do not already have a lawyer?”

Me: “You do what you need to do and I will react accordingly”

That shut him down. He will not  bring me down. He will not win.

I sought help. That is how I am taking care of myself. I can tell you the names of all of my doctors, my therapists, and every single dose of every medication I take on cue. There is nothing that makes me a bad mother. Do I struggle? Yes. But that little boy is my world. I will not leave him.

I am tired of mental illness being such a stigma. Half of America is depressed. No one will talk about it. I happen to be in the 1% that has bipolar 1. I also am part of the .1% percent that had post partum psychosis. Yeah you saw that. Lysol does not kill that .1%. 1 in a thousand. No matter how I put it, it is daunting.

But I am trying. I am doing what I can.

My brother passed away 2 years ago, and even though I have had thoughts and have been hospitalized, I have to be strong for him. Every day I think of something that we could bond over, usually small things. I miss him every day.

So that is why I got the semi colon tattoo. I want people to see it and ask me about it. For those who do not know, the semi colon project brings awareness to suicide/mental health. Where the author could end a sentence, they choose to continue. That is what I want to do. I want to be strong. I want to be the person I know I am capable of being.

I can do this.

Happiness, sex, and relationships

So this past Friday I ended up going out with someone that I have not been in touch with in a very long time.  We ended up sleeping together, and the rest of the weekend I have spent in bed, back in the depressed funk I keep trying to get out of. I have a slept with 7 people since my divorce, and I have not gotten anywhere close to a relationship with someone. I have been seeing someone for the past few weeks, but he won’t be sticking around for job reasons.  I have been so focused on finding someone that I have messed up a lot along the way.  I do not know how to be happy by myself, and it puts me in these situations that I should not be in.  When I attempt to be happy by myself, I just get more upset. The worst thing to do when you are not happy is to try to find it elsewhere, and that is just what I have done.  I need to go back to therapy.. Any advice would be very welcome.

Maybe I am actually mad…

So I have been back in the dating world and I recently went out with someone. He was possessive and jealous after only a few days, so I got upset and calmly told him that I wasn’t going to be able to see him again. One of the last things he said in our last conversation was that this is why he doesn’t deal with bipolar people. Nothing that I did or said had anything to do with my illness.
Just like I made a post abut how difficult it is to be happy with this illness, it is just as frustrating being upset. Am I upset because I am being rational and logical, or is it a reaction due to my illness that I cannot control? I knew with the guy I dated that he was just being an ass, but it is still upsetting none the less.
I thin

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I need to keep a more accurate mood journal, but it seems like my main mood is depression.
I guess we will see.